The Rules of Our Playground.

1. You will never ever try to sell candles, lotions, potions, or sex toys to your friends.

2. You will not make your friends have a "party" to sell aforementioned items to their friends.

3. You will not wear your maternity clothing a year after being pregnant

4. You will not buy friends for you or your children (joining a moms group). These women really tick me off, they think they own the park and if you aren't a member you and your child(ren) have cooties.

5. You will not lose your sense of style just because you are a mom. Stretchy clothes are fine for lounging around the house but going out in vomit covered t-shirts with stretched out necks and sweat pants is NOT acceptable. Crocs are also not acceptable.

6. You will not belong to a book club that reads Oprah's Book Club selections.

7. You will not complain how busy you are when you are the moron who has your child(ren) shoved into 15 different activities after school.

8. When some other mommy's child is having a meltdown you will not look at her like she is the worst mother ever. Like your precious beastie has NEVER EVER thrown a tantrum in public, please!

9. You do not need to feel badly if you don't have several different varieties of snacks in color coordinated Tupperware when out and about. Or if you don't have a bag of toys to occupy your beastie and you let him/her play with your keys, lipstick, or lighter. Hey whatever works.

10. You will not leave a giant disaster at a restaurant because it is "their job" to clean up the mess your child made.

11. It's okay if you let your child watch Spongebob Squarepants and tv in general.

12. You will not feel guilty if you feel done with your children at 7 p.m. or even 7 a.m.

13. It is totally ok if you don't scrapbook, sew, knit, bedazzle, draw, or even cook. God gave us each special talents and if these aren't any of them it doesn't make you a bad mommy.

14. You don't have to like all children just because you are a parent. Heck at times it is hard enough to like your own.

15. You are not a bad mommy if you don't have your super zoom trillion mega pixel camera handy for every breath your child takes. If you miss a Christmas family picture, or 3, it's ok too.

16. Being on several committees is not required. Don't get me wrong, volunteering is good but if it causes you to whine about being stretched too thin and being so busy/tired then it really isn't worth it. Plus, nobody want to hear your complaining.

17. You don't potty train, teach sign language, or pierce ears straight out of the womb.

18. You do not have matching hair accessories for every outfit and you don't make bows larger than your child's head. This is a very small form of child abuse.

19. You do not refer to yourself as a SAHM (in the real sense not our stranded at home mom version), your husband isn't a DH, and your daughter isn't a DD. However, your vocabulary does include DB (douchebag), SOB, and POS.